How can I write a prayer of confession and put it put there for all of you to see? I thought I would skip this one and keep it private, but I can’t. If I don’t have the strength to admit my faults, how can I start to change them? How can I help others change theirs?
The first feeling you get going into a confession is shame. You feel a heavy heart having to go back over the ways you have failed. You feel vulnerable and at times defensive.
I try to push that resistance deep down inside my gut to allow myself the space to be a better person. Why should my mistakes shame me? The common phrase, we all make mistakes, gives me no comfort. The idea, that no one is perfect, does nothing to console me. Shame is very powerful.
I keep a confessions journal and as I forgive myself, I eliminate the items from the list. I have eliminated quite a few over the years and I have added quite a few new ones. When I take time to pray about it, I read over them and ask God to help guide me to understand which one I should focus on.
Today I will focus on my issue of intensity. I am an incredibly energetic person, a blessing inherited from my mother. I take that intensity and couple it with good intentions. It moves me towards being pushy and abrasive. This is something I have delt with my whole life. I have not always been aware of it but for the last few years, especially since my children have come into my life, I have understood it more and more. I want what is best for people at all costs. That is not right. I have never been treated that way by You. You are gentle and kind. You wait and your patience is never ending. You love me no matter what my choices are. You are there walking right next to me. I am sorry for the pain I have caused. I feel even deeper remorse that the pain I have caused has been attributed to You. People could view my misrepresentation of You as something that I have learned from you. I confess it is NOT. You have asked me to change and helped me to grow. The mistakes are routed in my past, my passion, my ego, and my selfishness. Please forgive me and heal the hearts of those I have wounded. Amen.
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