Today I would like to take the time to make an official apology to all the creepy crawlies in my life. You must see me and think I am a terrible monster. Wiping you away with my dish cloth when you are going about your business at my sink. Smacking you off my arms when you are coming for dinner. Yeeting you into the wilderness when you are resting under my couch. I am especially sorry for the fumigator I felt forced to call when the revolution started. I wish we could have worked things out.
You have to understand. I am coming from a place where I could take the time to remove each of you with love and respect. Occasionally, an unwanted stranger would come inside, and a piece of printer paper and a cup was the perfect first-class ticket to the yard. One today, another next week. That kind of thing.
This is just not possible at this time. I have no other choice but to change the policy. I do this with a heavy heart. This catastrophic event is issued for Friday July 19, 2024 at 9:00 am sharp. If you would like to negotiate and come a peaceful agreement before then, please reach out.
PS: Coming up the plumbing in the toilet was the last straw. Please teach the younger generation some respect!
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